CJ here. So the past few weeks I’ve been debating about my doctoral path. To be completely transparent- my summer behavioral statistics class has had me questioning life in general. It is online and to say I’m struggling is an understatement. I’ve got about two weeks to go and I’d say apathy set it about week 3 when all the calculations began. #Iamsooveritdotcom.
So in this edition of adulting- I’ve been deciding if I want to continue in the EdD program I’m enrolled in- and paying for. OR if I want to take a gap year and apply to a PhD program were I work, which is basically free. Time vs money continues to be the debate in my head. I have literally dropped and added my fall classes about three times. Three times. I’m sure the registrar is confused! I’ve made up my mind three times to switch programs, set appointments to talk to people, started the application, sought out recommendations. Then my balanced Libra self makes me think of the other side. She said CeeJ- yes I refer to myself as Ceej occasionally. She said Ceej, what about the time, commitment, persistence, GRIT you put into your program. That little voice inside was telling me to finish what I started, where I started. Now I have another little voice that I listen to and that is the spirit of my mother. Before you get all freaked out. I don’t Literally hear my mothers voice. I do not have special powers. I do however embrace her tough yet warm, funny and no nonsense spirit and Robin [that’s my mother] helps me out from time to time. [I’ll be writing a separate post about Adulting and being a mom when you didn’t have a mom at a later date]. Robin told me in a dream once ‘I don’t answer all those emails’ The short of the story is that I was stressing over helping my mother run a fictional bakery- my mother never owned a bakery, yet in my dream she did. One day I asked her how she did it all. and she told me.. I don’t.
Remembering this dream and reflecting on my current life, I started to miss my life pre-doctoral studies. Pleasure reading, trying new recipes, television, my body pre-graduate school. There is a freshman 15, there is probably a doctoral 20. [future Adulting post on weight and healthy lifestyles coming later] I’ll admit that this summer’s experience with statistics wasn’t helping. After a few pick me up conversations from my husband, supervisor and one of my sorority sisters. I decided to ‘get my life’ and champion on! All of this comes at the same time that Auntie Maxine’s ‘Reclaiming my time’ hit I completely embraced letting unnecessary and stressful things go. One of my most stressful and time consuming volunteer roles I had to let go. #Peace #deuces. It really wasn’t that easy..but necessary.
So the journey toward the EdD continues. One and a half years of classes left. Dissertation looming. I know I can accomplish it all. But I know I need to be intentional about My Why. I especially need to think about my after EdD experience and how the sacrifice is going pay off for me and my family. Let me tell you, future planning and professional development can be challenging. It is not the most challenging aspect of Adulting. Hands down chores are. Seriously- if I didn’t have to worry about cleaning my house about 1/3rd of my worrying would be complete! I digress.
One thing I know for sure [Seriously, if you haven’t read this book just go and get it] is that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I also know that stress and anxiety are not my friends. So we are officially breaking up. Goodbye doubt, goodbye worry. I’m ready to life my truth. [I just like saying that.. I haven’t even found my truth yet, but it seemed like the perfect statement to end my affirming paragraph]
If you are in graduate school and debating quitting, what made you stay? Where did you find community? How are you balancing- or not? I would honestly love to know!
Until next time,